And in that moment, I could hear the sounds of the world around me, suffocating my ears and assaulting the core of my very being. I did not feel safe. The vulnerability of the moment left me yearning for the comfort of the vices of weeks past. It’s not that I wanted them, specifically, but I wanted the silence that they brought to my life.

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Beloved, if God doesn’t do anything else, He is going to heal me! Understand me when I say that that statement is not said in arrogance, but in humble realization that God has made it His mission to ensure that I am healed and released from the chains of bondage that once held me so tightly. But let me take a few moments to explain how I got here.

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For the past few years, my church has organized a 21-day fast during the season of Lent. The intention behind the fast (as with any other) is to turn down the volume of life around us, and turn up the volume on God. As I shared in the sermon that I preached on March 5th, fasting may look different for each of us, but some staples must remain- we must give up something (or in some cases, insert something healthy) and replace it with prayer and devotion to God. This year I decided to abstain from social media and television, and even though I knew it would have its difficulties, I never imagined that it would be THIS hard.

One week after the start of Lent, God whispered to my heart that I was fasting all wrong. He told me that turning away from social media and TV while consuming tons of audiobooks was not what He had intended for my time. He wanted to be alone with me, and truthfully, I wanted to be alone with Him, too. So, that following day, I said “no” to audiobooks, too. I started my day listening to Hang On by Kierra Sheard and GEI and jammed during my 1 minute commute to work. By the time I arrived, I realized that I wanted to listen to more of Kierra Sheard on Spotify, so I let the playlist go at its own rate. I found myself in a place of worship as I went about my 2-mile morning walk, and I felt better than good! Yet, I noticed that as the day went on, I started to feel a shift within me. In the moment, I could not explain what that shift was, but I knew that something felt different… and it wasn’t a “good” different.

By the time the work day was over, so was I. I decided to skip the gym because I just wanted to be alone. I was beginning to feel the start of how I would feel right before a depressive episode, yet for so many reasons, I could not turn to the vices that I typically sought for comfort at times like that.

I am finally committing myself to my health … so no junk food or sweets
I am working on strengthening my finances … so no frivolous spending.
I am abstaining from TV and social media … so no mindless scrolling.

My vices that normally insulated me from the noises of life were no longer available to me, and I felt exposed and vulnerable to the world around me. Feeling completely unsafe, I emailed my therapist. I knew that I should have texted him, but a part of me hoped that he would not see my message. Go figure; this was the time that he responded faster via email than via text. LOL! We set up an appointment for the following day, and I cried myself through my shower and to sleep. But when he and I finally did talk, he helped me identify what I could not put into words.

Dopamine.

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For those who may be unfamiliar with it, dopamine is “a neurotransmitter made in your brain. It plays a role as a ‘reward center’ and in many body functions, including memory, movement, motivation, mood, attention and more (Cleveland Clinic).” To paraphrase my therapist, intentionally or not, I had removed all of the things that gave me dopamine, and by doing that, I removed the barrier that made me able to tolerate the negative things around me. I want to stop right here and say that my therapist is brilliant!

By removing the barrier that “protected” me and allowed me to tolerate the negative aspects, I was left vulnerable to pain that I had never wanted to truly feel. The dopamine of things past acted as my armor, and I was struggling to adapt to a world with it.

Enter God.

This is the part that I promised you early on in your reading. You see, I believe God had to get me to this point- removing all distractions from around me- so that I could seek Him wholly. The distractions of things past were beautiful… yet they were also fleeting and never truly fulfilling. I needed to get here to this healing place so that I could seek Him.

I had to be reminded that I do not get my joy from social media.
I had to be reminded that I do not get my joy from shopping.
I had to be reminded that I do not get my joy from TV.
I had to be reminded that I do not get my joy from food.

In two days, God painfully revealed what He had been softly whispering for years- my joy, my hope, my faith, my everything comes from Him.

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Sweet friend, as I sit here writing this message to you, I am internally thanking God for His goodness. Yes, those days were difficult to endure, but God is faithful. It is humbling to realize that I sought so many earthly and material things over our Heavenly Father, but it is a blessing to know that God still seeks me.

Actually, He still seeks us.

Whatever your dopamine may be right now, I encourage you to give God a try. Seek Him earnestly with your whole heart, and let Him give and be your joy. Can you still enjoy other things in life? You sure can! But should any of those things be more important than God? Nope; not at all. With a few days left in our 21-day fast, I am finding peace in knowing that God is dope.

God is our reward.

Be blessed.