Sabotage.

As King and I watched this episode of “The Dear Future Wifey Podcast” featuring the newly married couple Whitney “JustWhiti” (nee Davis) and DeAngelo Moss, I had one of those freeze-frame moments where I stopped during the episode to gather my thoughts because I resonated so deeply with Whitney’s comments of having sabotaged her previous relationships due to the thoughts that resided within her and her family’s past. In the episode, she said that she grew up in a divorced home and that she blocked many men who had tried to gain access to her. For a moment there, I saw her but heard my truth coming out of her mouth. To be honest with you and myself, I have sabotaged every single relationship- romantic, platonic, professional, and familial- that I have ever been involved in. For some reason beyond my immediate level of understanding, as soon as things seem smooth and fine, I find a wrinkle and a way to disrupt the peace.

For me, sabotage protects me from pain that I cannot control. If I can ruin something in my own way, then no one can hurt me. I promise you that my thought process is completely unhealthy but it offers a level of comfort that someone who has been hurt many times grows to rely on. Yet when I sabotage, I ruin not just the relationship before me, but also the possibility of healthy relationships in the future. You see, sabotage is like a malignant tumor growing within you. By the time you notice it, it has often caused irreparable damage. Yet if addressed early on, healing and deliverance are possible.

But frankly, it’s all so exhausting.

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I knew that I loved King the moment that I met him. Ok, maybe not the EXACT moment but what had happened was, when I met him, I immediately felt a connection with him and wanted to get to know him more. As time went on and I continued to get to know him, I fell in love with him and fell in love with no hesitation. In my opinion, the first two years of our relationship went perfectly without a hitch. Yet literally on our 2nd anniversary, we had a disagreement that caused me to realize that we were not perfect and infallible, or more specifically, that I have brokenness within me. Since that day, I have been praying, asking God to reveal those areas so that he can heal me. For eight years I have been asking God to heal me from various hurts and it seems like just as he heals one, another one is revealed. Well, right now the healing on the table is from sabotage.

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Earlier this month on my #MonthlyMessage I sat with God and He helped me to address this level of brokenness. I want to share it with you all today and I pray it is a blessing to you. Let’s unapologetically press towards healing and wholeheartedly allow God to work through us.

Be blessed, Beloved.