I don’t know how to explain this in a way that will make sense, but when I feel unseen, I further isolate myself so that I am not seen by anyone. When I met with my therapist recently he explained it in a way that we would both be able to understand, except I forgot what he said so I can’t share it here. LOL! Essentially he was saying that during my years of active trauma, I was unseen by my family and those around me. Now as an adult, when I experience moments of not being emotionally seen or my feelings acknowledged by others, I revert back to that six-year old child who felt unseen and I hide from everything and everyone. It’s neither helpful nor healthy but it is my mind’s way of coping with trauma.

PTSD at its finest.

The holiday season is typically a difficult time for me. Insecurities from my childhood tend to arise like waves, crashing into every part of my life, completely debilitating me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. Unfortunately, it takes some time for me to resurface from the water yet when I do, I am often worn from the journey. Right now I am sitting in the beauty of a new year, a new month, and a new day all the while still struggling to feel seen. Some may read this and misinterpret my writings as the whining of a child but what it really is is my plea for acceptance, love, and concern. I am still fighting to be seen.

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But I’m not alone.

One would assume that with me being the youngest of five children on my mother’s side and the youngest of two children on my father’s side that I would not know anything about loneliness. It could be assumed that because I come from two big families that I would know nothing about the plight of an only child. Yet the opposite is true. My siblings are significantly older than me and when I needed them the most, none of them were present. That’s not said negatively of them all, but instead just a factual remembrance of my youth. I grew up in my home alone with no one else present when I needed them the most. My mom had to work all the time to provide for me and my siblings were off leading their own lives; I was a latchkey kid by its truest definition.

Maybe in her wisdom my mom knew that I was alone and that’s why she forced religion on me. At the age of eight when I finally found the courage to speak up about my trauma, she immediately handed me off to her colleague who then grabbed my hand and dragged me down the aisle towards a God that I had never heard of before. From that moment I was “saved” although I had no clue what that meant or where that decision would take me. Thankfully, it took me to Genesis 16.

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At different stages in my life, I have closely related to different characters in the Bible. I remember writing a letter to my brother the last time he was in jail, relating my life to that of Joseph when he shared his dream with his brothers and they sold him into slavery. In the letter I told my brother that although he meant his actions for evil, God was using them for His good. I remember when I had lost my job in 2012 and 2017 and I felt that I was in a Job season where “naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised (Job 1:21).” The irony of relating to Job during jobless is not absent from me yet it did feel like everything had been taken from me in those times and losing the job(s) was the last straw. I also remember when I felt like I was spinning out of control, watching God bless everyone except me and feeling like Hannah when she said in 1 Samuel 1:15-16 that she was a “woman who was deeply troubled” and had been “crying out to God in anguish and grief.” All of my life Scripture has guided me and being about to see myself in it has helped me feel seen by and safe with God. And right now I am in my Hagar era. <Insert diva hair flip.>

Hagar’s story begins with Abram (the man later known as Abraham… but we’ll talk new names later this year). Abram had been promised by God that his descendants would be innumerable, like the grains of sand. Only issue was, Abram and his wife Sarai were old- like old, old- and had no children. Sarai had been barren and took it upon herself to enlist the help of her maidservant, Hagar, to “fulfill” God’s promise. Sarai told Abram to impregnate Hagar that way that child would be child of Abram and Sarai. As her servant, Hagar did what she was told but when she did become pregnant, Sarai didn’t take the news well and was very mean to Hagar… so mean that Hagar ran away. In the wilderness, Hagar encountered God in the most beautiful way and it was there that she (and we) learned a new name for God- El Roi, the God who sees me. Hagar felt seen by God when no one else on earth seemed to see her. Y’all, I truly encourage you to read this entire chapter!

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Who sees M.E.

The good news of the Bible (then and now) is that not only are we not alone, but God sees us. I’ll be honest, when I sit at home trying to connect with my earthly friends and loved ones with no response from them, I feel very alone. Or when I try to have a voice in both professional and personal matters and I’m over talked, dismissed, or discouraged, I do not feel seen. It is in those moments that the invisible six-year old M.E. retreats back into her shell and builds permanent residence in the shadows.

Beloved, even as I write this, I am on the verge of tears. While I do understand that people do not intentionally ignore me or make me feel invisible, I do recognize that in life there is a difference between intent and impact. I am struggling greatly to feel seen in every aspect of my life and I feel needy and demanding in asking for more. Or, if I’m being really honest with myself, maybe I fear that asking for more will cause my loved ones to walk away. Many battles, one war (click HERE to reread last week’s post). Yet no matter how I may feel in a moment, I am so grateful that Genesis 16:13 will forever be true.

He is the God Who sees our situations.
He is the God Who sees you.
He is El Roi.
He is the God Who sees.
He is the God Who sees M.E.

Be blessed.