I need to be really honest about something…

I have been battling a serious case of anxiety that began in early August, if I’m remembering correctly. Since then, I have been experiencing anxiety attacks (including me crying myself to sleep), stress eating, loss of energy, and reclusion. I recognize that while I presented myself well, my outward demeanor has not been a true reflection of how I was really feeling on the inside. With each passing day, I felt like I had less and less control of my emotions and as though I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. The exact words of every prayer that I had uttered from the beginning of August to each of you, were actually my heart’s deepest prayers and petitions; literally me begging God to save my soul from the places that Satan wanted to take me.

Thankfully, He heard me and answered my prayers.

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Currently, I am in the place of my healing where I am no longer on the floor of my pit, but I am gradually climbing out with God’s help. As I climb, I am able to look at where I’ve come from, yet also see where God is taking me. And Beloved, trust me, the journey ahead looks so beautiful!

So what am I sharing today, you may ask? Well, when August was ending, God spoke three words to my heart, indicating that those words together should be my focus for the month of September. The words, though I forgot about their meaning and power, have provided much comfort to me in the past days and I am now fully leaning on God and His words to continue one. Here are the words (I guess, better yet, mantra):

Heal in Grace.

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Like every phrase that God has given me over the past 21 months pertaining to GRACE, this one completely skated over me for the majority of the month. Heal in Grace for me means two very different, yet similar things:

• That I am extending grace to myself as I travel on this journey by not comparing myself to others or even comparing myself to previous versions of myself. For so long I would say, “but I used to be able to do this!” or “the last time I experienced this, I did this and was fine; why can’t I do it this way any more?” I must be kind to myself as even if the situation is the same as something I’ve endured before, I am not the same as I was before.
• That all the healing that must and will occur in my life, will only occur within the safe and welcoming realm of God’s grace. In His grace, the same grace by which we are saved in Christ Jesus, I am free to stumble, heal, fall down, heal, and whatever I may need to do while still padded by His love.

Beloved, while I never pretend to be perfect in any way, I should continue to live in the transparency that this ministry was built upon.

I am flawed, yet I am saved by grace.

And I will Heal in Grace.