Beloved, this weekend I did something just for me. It felt so good in the beginning but slowly guilt began to set in and, right after guilt made its appearance, so did anxiety. Seems like that’s how it always goes- do something for me, enjoy it briefly, guilt shows up to make me feel bad, then anxiety creeps in to scream at me uncontrollably.

This is not healthy.
By no means necessary is this healthy.
Yet what this is is the perfect opportunity for me to do what I always write and preach about…
Heal.

After weeks (dare I say months) of being on the go, I blotted out time in my schedule to lay around and do nothing. To be honest, it pains me to even write this. It sounds so selfish and self-gratifying… yet it is exactly what my mind and body need in order to heal and be restored back to wholeness.

In a moment of full transparency, one thought kept creeping into my mind this weekend- this is how it all began.

Back in early 2016 when the medication usage was finally kicking in and I started to pull away from everything and everyone, I remember feeling like I did this week. The desire to be everything to everyone caused me to say YES to all the things and when my body could no longer handle it all, I just retreated away. In my retreat, I felt guilty for disappointing others and I also struggled greatly with anxiety. I kept thinking that my house of cards would soon come crashing down around me and that I would not be able to function anymore.

And that’s how I felt this weekend. As I tried to sit home and rest, my mind took no vacations and instead hyper fixated itself on the activities that I was missing, the people that I was disappointing, and my never-ending to-do list. My heart is racing just writing that part. I remember texting My Love to vent to him and even through text, I could hear him telling me to be calm and chill out.

I’m trying, Love, I’m trying.

So from where I sit today, I am trying to relax. I am trying to not overthink and asking my mind to join me on the wonderful vacation that I had this weekend. I am emphatically imploring my mind to not get caught up in the world around it and to truly hold on to the words of Scripture that urge me to not worry, but instead trust God.

The words of scripture- so mighty yet utterly powerless if not coupled with unwavering faith.

It is so easy to say “meet fear with faith; meet worry with worship” yet the truth is, it’s actually quite difficult. If the words of fear and worry penetrate you deep enough, it takes more than just a quick read of the Bible or a 60-minute visit to a local church to cleanse your soul of that fear. Fear has to be addressed. The root of it must be acknowledged and unapologetically eradicated in order for healing to occur.

This is my goal for now.
I did not endure all that I have in this life just to let fear consume me in the worst of ways. While the words of my open letter to Pixar still stand out in my mind, I recognize that work must be done and I welcome that work with open arms.

Beloved, I am taking a journey to identify the root of my fear and anxiety and when I find it, I plan on using the world’s biggest tweezers to pluck them out of my life.

It’s plucking time.
Let’s GOOOOO!!!!

Be blessed.