“I’m feeling kinda alone, God.”

Those were the words that my heart uttered last night as I sat down to write this piece. Earlier in the day I had attended church and then a brunch with two sister-friends before heading to the gym for what was supposed to be a major workout session. Yet as I drove to the gym, I felt an urging to text a different friend about something that was sitting on my heart and as our text-conversation continued, I realized several harrowing truths:

• I’m not a good friend. Or, better yet, I don’t know how to be a good friend.
• I internalize everything and take everything personal (even when it’s not about me).
• My perception of the depth of my friendships is not as others know it to be.
• Thirty years after reporting my trauma, I still suffer from abandonment issues.
• When I am hurt, I retreat and pull back from everything and everyone.
• In those alone moments, darkness creeps in and I feel brokenness like never before.

The same heart that God had given me to be sensitive to the needs of His children, was now the very heart that sat broken, trying to understand why I was in this same place yet again.

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Friendships are HARD!

I remember my first three friends as a child- Shanelle, Georgia, and Ciara (though not necessarily in that order). Due to my PTSD and memory loss, I do not remember how or when I met them, I just remember that they were the first friends that I ever had. Some memories of our youth flood back as I write this, yet the core parts of our friendship are lost with the many memories that were stolen by trauma. Of the memories stolen, the truth of what happened to my friendship with each of them also fades into oblivion. Currently, I am connected to two of them on social media and it has been a blessing to watch their children grow up over the years.

While I am fuzzy on details, I can recall that it has always been difficult for me to make and keep friends. Maybe I do expect perfection from those that I call friends (though I never knew that I did this) and that pressure to be perfect causes them to leave. Or, maybe I am too demanding and they still choose the path of walking away rather than engaging in friendship with me. Whichever one may be true, here I sit eight days away from 38 years old and I painfully confess that I can relate to the words of DJ Khaled when he declared in 2013 that he has, “no new friends”… however, I have no old ones either.

For the past thirty years I was under the impression that I was a good person and friend and that the friendships that had dissipated were the other person’s loss, yet that text conversation from yesterday caused me to realize that truly I am the problem. And that reality stung worse than the bee that fatally attacked Thomas J. in the 1991 hit movie “My Girl.”

“What is wrong with me?”
“Why is this so difficult for me?”
What have I done wrong?”

Those were the only questions that came to my mind. And, maybe that’s the problem as the common subject in each of those questions is me, Michelle Early. Maybe friendships have been difficult for me because I only see myself in a situation, and I don’t see how taxing I am on others, nor do I always see how my actions hurt others.

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The irony is, I’m IMPERFECT!

Real time blogger moments… In the midst of writing this blog, I went downstairs to tend to my laundry. In doing that, the Lord reminded me of another friendship that I lost over the years. Oddly enough, the name of the woman is that of one of my first three friends, though it is not actually one of those women. Anywho, I recalled one of our last conversations where this now former-friend stated that I don’t like it when people don’t do what I want them to do. I remember how upset I was at that time and how incredulous I thought her statement was at the time. Yet looking back, I wonder if that’s how everyone has felt over the years.

Does everyone think that I emotionally withdraw when I don’t get my way?
Wait, do I emotionally withdraw when I don’t get my way?

The funniest part of all is that my entire ministry’s slogan is that “I am flawed by nature, yet saved by grace.” I am not perfect! I have never, ever tried to be nor do I expect perfection from those around me. In fact, the only thing that I ask for from my friends is LOVE… yet one thing I realize is that asking for love from others may be the equivalent of asking for the world.

Let me be 100% clear: I, Michelle L. Early, am not perfect.

My flaws have flaws and I struggle with many things. There are many imperfections that exist within me, both literally and figuratively. Again, I am not perfect.

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Writing from a place of hurt…

Beloved, in a moment of pure honesty and transparency, I’m still processing many things yet right now HURT is emerging as the emotion of the moment. It is in this place that I am fighting to stay above water emotionally as I mourn the loss of relationships that once meant the world to me. I solicit your prayers as healing is necessary and I do not want to pull so far away in my hurt that I slip back into the darkness that once consumed me.

Even in all this, I still rejoice in the Lord and I still give Him praise. Healing is never linear, but it is always necessary. Let’s heal together…

Be blessed.