Grief and Forgiveness

It’s funny how you can be sitting in one place, watching a concert, and all of a sudden feelings of hurt and disappointment wash over you like a flood.

That was me on Friday night.
I was at a Joy Night that my church was having in celebration of our 10th anniversary. Ninety minutes of intense praise and worship had just filled my heart and I didn’t think the night could get any better. Our church’s praise team and dance team, in addition to a local mass choir and a finalist from The Voice had performed and my entire heart was FULL! As the last performer entered the stage, a member of his ensemble caught my eye. There was something about that performer’s presence that reminded me of someone that I once knew (for the sake of that person’s privacy, I will not mention names). And as I watched them perform, my heart released tears that my eyes were too cowardly to deploy.

I missed that person.
Yet I was also deeply hurt by that person.
Worst yet, the pain caused me to never want to see that person again.

As I sat in my hurt, pain, and tears, God spoke to my heart about grief and forgiveness. The two go hand-in-hand more than I had ever understood. Grief, despite what many may believe, is not limited to the physical loss of a person. One may grieve the loss of a relationship, status, a job, or even what could have been. Understand that as I write this now, I write from a place that is near to peace, but not quite there yet. In this place, I recognize my blessings, but I also recognize that God still has work to do within me, as I am grieving both the loss of a relationship that was once very dear to me, and I am grieving some relationships that could have been. Yet even in my grief, I am asking God to help me to forgive the people involved and myself so that healing may begin.

Remember, Healing Happens Here.

Mourning the loss of a relationship

When Langston Hughes asked “what happens to a dream deferred?” I believe that he was trying to inspire and encourage others. I am not a true poet and am a novice in understanding what these great writers meant. Yet that question resonates with my heart as I try to process this relationship that once was, that is now no more.

Before you ask, my Love and I are doing well (praises be to God!). The relationship that I am talking about is closer than that, which is why its absence stings so badly. To have watered something so lovingly for years and then have it ripped out of my life hurts in a way that words cannot describe. Well, actually, in the words of Regina King, “grief is love that has no place to go.” That’s what my heart feels like. I have so much love to give to this person but because it has no place to go, it sits in my heart eroding away at my very core. My love has no place to go so it bitterly turns into grief. Grief over who we once were, the joy we once shared, and the moments that we are missing today.

We were once so happy….
Young and filled with joy….
Yet now we are no more.

To answer Langston’s question, what happens to a dream deferred, it does dry up and as it dissipates, it takes joy and potential away with it.

Mourning the loss of potential

I know I have mentioned it before but I did not grow up with my father or his family. When I created the banner for today’s blog, I intentionally added pictures of my dad and paternal grandparents because when I think of the loss of potential, I think about my dad’s side of the family. Not having those formative years with that entire side of my family has caused me to sit and wonder what could have been.

What memories could we have created?
Would my life look like it does now?
Would the pain of my past have found me?

That last question is scary to think about, as that pain shaped who I am today. I always have questions and often my questions cause me to think I’ve missed out on fundamental building blocks. And as I ask myself those questions, I am saddened by what I missed out on. FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out; it’s greed by another name and for that, I seek God’s forgiveness.

I have to recognize that God gives me what I need, exactly when I need it, and He withholds what is not currently needed for the moment in front of me. What I have, I need, and for that I thank God.

Grief and forgiveness are good friends that make great traveling companions. As we welcome grief, we have to understand that forgiveness comes with it. Forgiveness says that we release what has happened and, in some cases, we make peace with what is to come. This is essential as we process the grief that resides within us. We must forgive and release in order to heal and be set free.

Beloved, I am yielding to the Holy Spirit and putting a pin in this conversation. When I began writing this, I knew that I did not have everything that I needed to complete it today. This, like all of my conversations about forgiveness, will require me to revisit as God continues to develop me. I welcome these growth moments (although they HURT) because they are for my good. Essentially I am saying this… tune in for more.

Be blessed.

However, I do want to intentionally take a moment to recognize those who are experiencing a season of mourning or grief in any capacity. Please know that my heart goes out to you as you navigate this season of loss. What I do know from personal experience is that our God is a comforter and He can comfort you in a way that no other human or earthly item can. Please continue to trust in God; I stand with you in prayer and am available if you ever need to talk.