Two Hundred Twenty-Five. That was the number that greeted me on the scale on Friday morning. Over the past five years, my weight has steadily increased, and seeing that number was the final straw for me.

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For some inexplicable reason, I have been watching My 600-lb Life. As I’ve watched episode after episode, I have noticed one recurring theme – the weight issues were rooted in mental health issues. And that resonated deeply with me. I found myself being able to relate to the plight of people who struggle with food addictions because I, too, struggle with my emotions and eating to live…not living to eat.

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On July 5, 2017, I published a piece entitled, “Fat People Don’t Get Raped”, a response to hateful words spoken by my then 11-year-old niece. Seven years later and the title still stirs my soul because while it’s not true, a part of me has always believed it…and that’s why I continued to eat. As I’ve said often, food comforted me in a way that no one ever could. At times, it felt like food comforted me more than Jesus.

So, if I know that title is not true, I do find comfort in Jesus, and I’ve lost weight before. Why did the scale say 225? Why have I been gaining weight since 2019? Why am I just merely surviving and not thriving?

It’s because I am still battling an addiction.

Earlier in 2017, I consumed my last alcoholic drink. I had recognized that I was turning to alcohol too much when confronted with life’s growing issues. Food and alcohol had been my support friends since I was in college. I was introduced to them at such a young age, and I’d grown quite attached to them over the years. With God by my side, I was able to walk away from alcohol. I literally got to the point where I disliked the smell of alcohol and the way that my body felt when under its control. Breaking up with alcohol seemed so much easier than breaking up with food because my body actually needs food to survive. While I may not get drunk every weekend, finish a bottle of wine daily, or take shots with friends anymore, I do eat well beyond the point of necessity every single day. I still struggle with addiction… it’s just that my addiction has switched to the one thing my body actually needs.

But I’m tired.

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• Alli
• Appetite suppressants.
• Weight Watchers
• Special K Diet.
• Low carb/Keto Diet.
• Vegan Eating.
• Noom.

I’ve tried everything. I should also add that I’ve lost substantial weight from most, if not, all of those items. Before I even joined a gym, I learned that if I could get my mind to buy into the changes that I needed to make, that my body would eventually catch up. The issue is, my mind would only join for a brief period of time before becoming too overwhelmed to continue. However, today I am four days into a new mindset and I am making the daily choice to walk away from excuses.

Health-wise, I am extremely blessed. My greatest issue has always been my weight. I had a brief moment in high school when I had high blood pressure, and while Diabetes runs in my family, God has spared me from that diagnosis. My bloodwork is great, and nothing is abnormal. My vitamin levels are excellent. Although I am overweight (technically, obese), I am very healthy. Despite my “good health”, my mental health has always been rocky. I’m tired of this song and dance.I’m ready to be set free from this addiction.

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Survive or Thrive

A few years ago, one of my line sisters corrected me in a way that I’ll never forget. I boldly declared that I was a survivor of rape and she stated that it was time for me to move out of survival mode.

There is no healing in survival mode.There is no growth in survival mode.There is no light in survival mode.There is only fear and anger in survival mode.

She wanted more for me. I wanted more for myself.

I am four days into what I believe is my last chance. For my height, 225 pounds does not sound like a lot of weight, but I fear that if I don’t make lasting changes right now, I will never be able to change. I don’t want to go back to where I was before. In thrive mode, I take the experiences of my past and use them to shape my present day. A healed perspective allows me to see the world in a fresh light. I need that. We all need that.

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Beloved, this is my prayer for you: that you allow God to move you from survivor mode to healing mode. I want all of us to heal. I want all of us to thrive.

Be blessed.