Like many people, I enjoy getting lost in the plot of a well-crafted movie. Movies create the opportunity for viewers to leave their own reality for 90 or so minutes and step into the reality that the director and actors have developed for us. When we purchase a movie ticket or queue up a movie from a streaming service, we are putting aside our individual cares and allowing the reality before our eyes to completely consume us. Unbeknownst to us, even though we know that it is just a fantasy, we expect to relate in some way to the movie that we watch. It’s a bit of a weird inner desire, but it’s there nonetheless. And as I sat in the reclining seat of my local theater twice this past week watching Inside Out 2, I not only felt myself slipping into the storyline, but I saw myself on the screen in the beautifully complex character of Anxiety. That orange, frazzled-hair, in-everything character eloquently embodied and represented me and everything that goes on within my mind on a daily basis. At almost 38 years old, I am unequivocally saying that Anxiety is me and I am Anxiety and, frankly, I feel exhausted and relieved with that truth.

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It is not my intent to give any spoilers here as I truly desire for others to see this movie and come to their own conclusions about the movie. Yet I cannot deny that I stepped into this theater without having seen Inside Out and walked out feeling as though this entire movie was created with me in mind. How arrogant, yet authentic of me!

I am a Christian woman- born and reared in the church- and I am a licensed minister in my local church yet I wrestle on a daily basis with who will lead my day- Joy or Anxiety. You see, I am also a survivor of childhood rape and I have been diagnosed with Depression, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, and GAD throughout my life. As I rise with the start of each new day, I thank God for life and health, and utter a prayer to Him. A silent piece of that prayer is that JOY will be at the helm of my emotions headquarters for that day. Much like in the movie, Joy rises to the occasion and works hard to steer the Michelle ship. However, also like the movie, a situation happens or a thought pops in that Anxiety feels she is best able to handle and she slowly, yet swiftly eases Joy out of the leadership position. While I am so grateful that Sadness no longer leads my life like it did in years past (similar to Inside Out), I recognize all too well that Anxiety feels like she knows what’s best for my life…and Inside Out 2 saw me for who I am and how I feel. Anxiety sees a situation , immediately decides that danger looms, and springs into action to “protect” me from what lies ahead.

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My decision to write this today was based on the fact that I want other adults to be honest about themselves and how emotions impact us. All humans may face moments where they may be a bit anxious, but not every person battles anxiety. We may all get nervous as we prepare to give a speech to our colleagues. We may all get nervous as we wait for pressing test results to come back. We may all get nervous if we get pulled over for a “routine” police stop. Nervousness is one aspect of anxiety and it is as common as breathing. Yet when that nervousness consumes us, changes our behavior, or prohibits us from living our typical life, it may be anxiety. (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a doctor; please see a doctor if this sounds too familiar.)

For me, receiving the diagnosis of General Anxiety Disorder back in 2015 seemed like a blessing, explaining the cause for the feelings that were running rampant in my head. It seemed like the best way for me to tell other people to approach me with caution because internally, I felt like a grenade without its pin, ready to explode at a moment’s notice. However, in all reality, the diagnosis said that something was truly wrong with me and that I would never be “normal.” In all honesty, I truly forgot about my GAD diagnosis until recent days when I felt anxiety coursing through my veins in a way that I cannot explain.

Anxiety was reclaiming her throne.
And I didn’t know why.

I honestly do not know what changed, but one day I woke up and shortly after watching Joy start her shift, Anxiety locked her away and began to control my day. I ran various scenarios through my mind about what could possibly happen in the day, few of them positive and all of them causing me to cower in my bed. When Anxiety is at the helm, the only thing that I want to do is stay in bed to avoid people. My Anxiety partners handsomely with Loneliness and together they tell me that I am safer in solitude, safer when I am not with others… safer when I drown myself in my fears. That’s a lie- I know it is- but in the moment, it sounds so good.

This is where Pixar comes in.

Inside Out 2 showed me that not only am I not alone in this world, but that other people are facing the same issues. I also learned that all of my emotions are friends, working together for the complete good of M.E. Truthfully, anxiety is just my mind’s way of trying to be in control of the things that God has deemed His priority, and not mine. That’s where the arrogance kicks in. Anxiety has me thinking that I know what’s better for my life, more so than my Father who created me. Imagine a child telling a parent that they know more than the parent, or a viewer telling a director that they know a movie plot better; that’s what anxiety causes me to think- that I can handle this better than God. (Sounds much like the folly of Eve in Genesis, chapter 3.)

Thank you, Disney and Pixar, for allowing me to see me on the screen and for reminding me that every situation in my life has a purpose and helps create my core belief system.

I am seen.
I am safe.
I am loved.

And so are you, Beloved. In Christ, we are all of these and more. Today and every day, please allow God to guide your life. Give Him everything- big and small- and let Him handle it all.

Be blessed.