When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, the number that greeted me was no friend of mine.

The number placed my heart and mind in a chokehold, sending my thoughts back to years long ago when depression ruled my life. God has since grown me and healed me, yet the scale- and effectively my habits- did not get that memo. I stared at the number for some time before stepping off of the scale. Once off, I walked over to my bed and sat on the edge. Shaken and seemingly defeated, my mind worked at 0.5x speed to recall the events that led up to that morning’s number on the scale. Yes, I’d been working out more than usual, but my eating habits hadn’t changed too much. Stress still guided my hand to my mouth more often than it led my knees to bend in prayer and my lack of sufficient rest definitely hurt my wellness process.

However, since I can’t change the past, there’s no need to dwell there either. The old M.E. would stew, taking that as a sign to give up. Yet this healing M.E. believes that this is God’s wake up call to press in deeper.

Yes, work out more.
Yes, make healthier food choices.
Yes, get more and better quality sleep.

Moreover, I am saying NO to quitting, grieving the past M.E., admitting defeat, or allowing fear [of success] to stop me. God has brought me too far for me to just throw out discipline now.

Lord, help me to course-correct… in every aspect of my life!

Instead of sitting in my feelings as I have in the past, I chose to change my clothes and head to the gym. I had mentally blocked off two hours to spend in the gym- time to stretch and strengthen, and time to walk three miles. Even though my eating habits hadn’t quite caught up to my body’s workout regime, I was determined to stay the course.

At the gym I felt peace.

There were no sounds of confusion or nagging interruptions; there was just peace. And that’s where I worshiped God. Right there in the gym, as I stretched, as I strengthened, and as I ran, I worshiped God.

Two weeks ago I wrote about how I had nothing to give God except my worship and today I stand 10 toes down in that belief- God will get the glory in this. When I lost weight the first time, I credited Alli weight loss pills. The second time, I credited adapting a vegan lifestyle. But this time, whether all the weight comes off or not, I will worship God throughout this entire process, giving Him the glory for every high, and rejoicing in every low.

I’m tired of trying to do this on my own. I’m tired of leaning on friends to help me change what only God can change within me. You see, this is not about the food that I eat or the exercises that I do; this is a matter of the heart.

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As we delve into this beautiful month of May, I solicit your prayers. You see, May is a difficult month for me. Feelings of inadequacies arise as Mother’s Day approaches because, at the age of 37, everyone has questions about my womb. Anger never finds me, just the feelings of, “oh, I must be doing or thinking something wrong.” Three out of five of my nieces and nephews were born in May and my dad just got remarried last May. This should be a month of celebrations, yet I feel like everyone looks at me and wonders when they will get to celebrate me.

“Has King proposed yet?”
“Don’t you want to have kids?”

And I feel as if I am insignificant and insufficient if either of those questions is not answered with a resounding and boisterous YES. How dare I be almost 38 years old, never married, and not a mother?! I’m a woman; those are the ministries that I have been called to!

Granted, while no one has ever said those words to me, that is how I feel every year around this time.

I share all of this to say this: if you see me or even think about me this month, please just pray for me. While I fully trust the journey that God has for me, I also know that the road will not be easy.

Yet.
I.
Choose.
Worship!

On the good days and the bad; when I’m happy and when I’m sad- I recognize God’s grace and can be glad.

I have been graced to worship.

Be blessed.