Confessions of a [healing] Perfectionist

If I could have it my way, everything in life would go my way.

As Saturday was approaching, I started to feel a weird combination of both guilt and anxiety creeping up within me. I so wanted to attend a school retreat with my students, but my body was begging me to rest. Before you ask, I am doing quite well post-surgery. The pain has subsided but I still have some residual swelling, in addition to my nerves readjusting to the incision in my left foot. If you were to see me in the street, you would notice that on my right foot is some type of sneaker, while my left foot is donning the finest orthopedic shoe that my insurance would cover. Yes, I am still in the post-op shoe so that I don’t irritate my surgical site and stitches with all of my regular shoes. As weird as it sounds, foot surgery really has me rethinking the shoes that I currently own and the shoes that I will purchase in the future. Must haves: Nikes, Jordans, Reeboks. Can part with: flats and dressy shoes. Seriously, this surgery, plus my 37 years on earth and the Plantar Fasciitis in the right foot, are making me question the purpose of heels. But I digress.

This past weekend I was intentional about resting. This field trip had been in the works for several weeks, but it wasn’t until right before my surgery that the Lord sweetly whispered to me that I would not be attending the trip. I began looking for coverage and for someone else to lead this venture, yet as I searched and felt God pulling me away from this trip, a little piece of me continued to break on the inside, feeling like I was being removed from the whole entire program.

F.O.M.O.: Fear Of Missing Out

Do you remember that whole campaign that came out years ago talking about FOMO? It was essentially designed to get us to seize the day, for fear of us missing out on something great. Since then, we have all seen ads and marketing designed to get us to live in the moment so that we do not miss the opportunities that lie in front of us. Well, Beloved, the guilt and anxiety that I was feeling leading up to this past Saturday was deeply rooted in FOMO… and Pride. For too many years, I had grown accustomed to people hurting me, breaking promises, and never being around to help me when I was truly in need. As such, I developed into an adult whose body literally revolts at the thought of asking another for help. Yet, this school year, God has divinely spoken and said that this was the year for me to sit down, ask for help, and trust Him in all matters. First up- realizing that I am not missing anything.

Not to be morbid or anything, but how many events do dead people attend? Not very many, I would assume. Yet the reality is, we often wear ourselves ragged trying to be everything to everyone, instead of being kind to ourselves and our bodies. My foot (and every other ailing part of my body) so desperately wanted to heal but my constant Go, Go, GO lifestyle was delaying my healing. As much as I didn’t want to miss this special event for my students, my body needed the rest and I am still working to process that I cannot be everywhere and everything all of the time. I am not omnipotent nor am I omnipresent; only God is.

I am Chelle.

Saturday afternoon I cried a little bit as I got texts with pictures and videos from the field trip that I could not attend. Turns out, Saturday was a big day for so many babies that I love and I could not be there for any of them.

My high school alma mater’s Girls’ Basketball team won the state championship… against a school in the district that I am currently employed.
The Boys’ Basketball team of a school in my district won the state championship.
My Bonus Love received Solo Runner Up in an annual competition.
One of my students met with other changemaker students to draft a bill that will [hopefully] come into fruition soon.
Students of color in my district felt seen and valued as they attended an event in another district.

So many wonderful things… and I felt guilty for sitting at home.

Truth is, if I had just taken moments of better rest along the weeks and months leading up to my surgery and heeded the doctor’s advice for the week post surgery, I probably would have been fine. However, I am always overwhelmingly busy and now it was time for me to just heal.

Yet, to be honest, the Jamaican in me does not know how to just be still. I am Chelle and she is a wonderful combination of so many beautiful qualities, including steadfastness and determination. I’m sure my ancestors would be proud of me… yet, my descendants disappointed, as my lifestyle would take me from them sooner than they would life.

That’s the balance- embody the past, look towards the future, while not forsaking the present.

It’s such a delicate line to toe.
It’s an exhausting place to be.

Yet there’s HEALING in this!

Yesterday morning when I woke up I felt GOOD!
My foot wasn’t swollen, my back felt good, my neck felt as good as it could, and all seemed well! I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed the word that our Senior Pastor delivered, all before heading to the gym and coming home. I soaked up some sunshine before meal prepping for the week and then came to my room to set up my Chromebook to write this very message. Then I went into the bathroom to shower when the rug was pulled from underneath me.

I was overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal and duplicity from those who were supposed to love me the most and I did what I always do in those situations- I ran. I haphazardly threw on some clothes and ran out of my house, loudly slamming every door in my path. I hopped in my car and I drove for about one hour before deciding to head back to a local movie theater. Once back in my town, I bought one movie ticket and snacks that did not align with my faux-keto diet, reclined in the warm chair with my movie blanket, and waited for the screen to soothe my pain.

It did not. Go figure.
Instead, as I sat in the theater, I realized that in my constant desire for perfection, when life does not go my way, I run away. I run away from people and things that do not align with how I believe I should be treated. While forgiving people is never my issue, allowing them to hurt me again is a no no so, I just run from them and the situation. In this episode of running away, I ran away from the hurt and ran straight to the things that caused me residual pain over the years. While I don’t drink anymore, I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and as I ate in the theater, each fry tasted like guilt and sorrow, covered in shame as I chewed and swallowed it all. I hated myself for buying the food, yet for me, in a life where it felt like I could control so few things, food seemed to be the only thing that I [thought I could] control.

Again, that is a HORRIBLE coping mechanism that I do not recommend to anyone. Yet in the midst of my pain, sometimes it just feels so good. However, I’m realizing today that if I truly desire healing, I have to be willing to let go of my actions from the past so that I can move according to God’s will.

As such, I accept that I’m an imperfect perfectionist.
Well, a [healing] perfectionist.
And these are my heart’s confessions.

Be blessed.