I stood in my shower Wednesday night with the warm water cascading down my limp body. So much was on my mind and standing there in that moment was all that I could do to silence my thoughts.
I was thinking about my conversation with him. He is the man who has my love but our love doesn’t have the chance. It’s simply not the right time.
It’s never the right time.
It seems like when it comes to me, I’m always too late for love.
Beloved, let me tell you the drawback to having the last name EARLY- everyone always assumes that I’m never late for anything. So when I am late to or for something, I always get the comment, “but shouldn’t you be Early?” Haha, so funny. Yeah, not so much. Yet when it comes to love, I am always too late. The guy I love doesn’t love me when I love him. The man I’m interested in is never single when I’m single. Or my best yet, he is single and is interested, but neither one of us says ANYTHING until it is far too late.
I am just too late for love.
As I wasted water on Wednesday letting my thoughts grow, I couldn’t help but think about how I’ve spent so much of my life yearning for true love and genuine companionship. Yes, I’ve dated before. Yes, I’ve been engaged (twice). But I’ve never had what my heart yearns for. No, that is a rare and special gift that God is preserving for when He knows I am able to handle it. But the truth is, I often cry out to God:
Why give me such a big heart and so much love if I don’t have anyone to share it with?-M.E.
I think I ask that of God at least twice a week… which is progress because I used to ask at least twice a day. I’m at the point where I kinda know but my singleness still pains me so I ask again for clarity.
It’s been a long year. A long 33 years, actually. Today I am letting my hair down; taking off the earrings, lipstick, and bra; putting on my comfy sweats; and just being M.E. With only eight days left in the year, I’m finally going to drop the pretense and stop pretending as though I’ve got all my stuff together. Because I don’t. And I’m tired.
I’m tired of being…
Too late for love.
Friend, I want you to pause right here and, if possible, relax and get comfortable because we ain’t being prim and proper… we are being real. Today we are speaking from our hearts. With Christmas two days away and another decade only eight days away, we only have time for the true true.
What does your heart desire? What are you longing for? What feels like it is too late for you to grasp?
Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s not too late for anything when it comes to God. Sarah and Elizabeth gave birth from barren wombs well after their bodies deemed it too late. Paul was Saul, a man who condemned believers and Jesus yet eventually became the most known apostle of his time (and even ours). Our time is not God’s time. We can be late for things, but He is always on time. So while I think I’m too late for love, God is just saying…
Not yet, My child.God
I often say this (so you can’t be surprised by now) but this is not how I expected this message to go. I honestly had this entirely different path envisioned and I was dead set on following it. I was angry because I really felt like I was too late for love. Yet as God changed my direction, He also spoke the truth to me…
I was afraid that He had forgotten about me.
Yep, that was true. I chalked my yearning heart up to the fact that God had just forgotten about me. Despite His constant reminders that He was ever-present, I chose to respond to the calls of my longings and not the calls of the One who longs for me.
I’m not late, I’m just not ready.
I am not ready for God to truly increase my life the way He desires… because I am still holding on to things of the past.
I am not ready because I still have a preconceived notion of how things ought to be.
I am not ready because I have not learned to fully rely on God.
I am not ready because I actually think God has forgotten about me instead of knowing that He loves me and only wants what’s best for me.
I am not late, I am just not ready.
I wish that I could adequately express the feelings that are within my heart right now. Oftentimes when I sit to write one blog, I reread several others to see what God was saying at that time… and this week was no different. I reread (and re-shared) Purposed Pain and Gracefully Broken because I literally needed the reminder that everything happens for a reason and God will mend all that is broken.
I share that truth with you today.
Christmas is a hard time for most people as they battle feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, depression, and anxiety. Yet today I want to remind you (and me, too) that God knows your specific name and He has not forgotten about you. No matter what waits for you under your Christmas tree (or if you’re like me with no tree, no matter what waits for you beside the living room table), the greatest gift of all was given to us over 2000 years ago with the birth of the Christ. His birth, life, death, and ultimate resurrection combine to make the greatest love story ever and will forever serve as our reminder that God loves us eternally.
I felt pretty lonely on Wednesday and I even gave into some heavy temptation because I thought God had forgotten about me and I needed to “shoot my shot.”
We aren’t forgotten.
We are loved.
We are cherished.
And no matter how long it takes, it is never too late for love.