Dear Brother,

While I use that word lightly, I still acknowledge the bloodline that connects us. We do share the same mother and the same Jamaican blood that runs through you, runs through me as well. Despite the blood, I never saw you as my brother. To me, you were the man who stole my life. You took my innocence, my joy, and my connection to reality. Yet and still I say this to you: I forgive you.

I get it, you wanted to hurt mommy for your childish belief that she had intentionally hurt you. You were young; you didn’t know that she was doing the best that she could at her young age. You didn’t realize that everything she did was actually in an attempt to save your life. Even after you hurt me, you didn’t know that she continued to help you and provide for you…despite my verbal objections at the time.

But I forgive you now.

I don’t remember how this all started because my memories from those years are blocked in my mind but I remember how it ended. I don’t remember how I survived during that time or what I thought as you used me to exact your revenge. I don’t really remember where our other siblings were at the time nor do I know how no one saw the signs that you were violating me. I do not remember the first eight years of my life because of you.

But I forgive you now.

There was no way for you to know that God would use that time to save my life. You couldn’t know that it was actually God who kept me safe and sane during those traumatic two years of my youth. You had no way of knowing that I would meet my closest friend who, with the help of Christ and her family, would lead me towards salvation in Christ. You obviously didn’t know that God is an expert at taking the pains of His children and using it for a purpose. No, my brother, you could not have known that when you stole what I thought was my everything, that God would bless me with so much more. I understand; you didn’t know…you couldn’t know!

But I forgive you now.

It took me 22yrs to truly forgive you for your actions. When you and your fiancée announced that you were expecting a baby, I thought I had forgiven you and I jumped all in to welcome her and the baby. I thought I was praying for the ability to forgive you but I think I was actually just praying for protection for your child. When we learned that you were having a daughter, a part of me broke, wondering if you would hurt her like you’d hurt me. So I just kept praying for her. I wasn’t praying for me or you or a reunion between us. No, I prayed for her. I prayed for that niece and my other nieces. I prayed that no man would ever do to them what you had done to me. Every time I saw my nieces, I prayed a prayer of protection over them…protection from you and others like you. No, I tolerated you, but I hadn’t forgiven you at that point.

But I forgive you now.

Last year as I wallowed in the depth of The Dark Place (my 3-6 month period of deep depression), I realized that I had never truly forgiven you. I was still wishing you ill will. I had secretly hoped (one time too many) that somehow you would get deported back to Jamaica or that your affinity for illegal actions would land you serious time in jail. And because I was holding onto so much unresolved anger towards you, I had made myself a prisoner to my anger. I realized that because I could not forgive you, God was not able to forgive me for my sins. I was walking around with the weight of your sins and my sins…both weighing me down in a deep pit of sadness and despair.

But I forgive you now.

God had to work on me like never before. The healing journey that He sent me on unlocked (and continues to unlock) every hurt, pain, and area of vulnerability in my life just to heal me for the future. Once He started healing me, I was able to use my love for Christ to help me forgive you. When Philippians 4:13 says that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” it also applies to healing from hurt. There is no pain so deep that God cannot heal our hurt. I used to hate you for what you did to me….

But I love you now.

In all honesty, the love I have for you is not brotherly/sisterly love; it is simply the love of Christ. We may be related but in many ways, you are a stranger to me. One cannot expect me to know who you truly are when it is clear by your overall lifestyle that you don’t know who you are either. It’s ironic but I found my freedom when you lost yours last September. And because I’ve found freedom, I pray for your freedom as well. I pray that you would allow Christ to fill you and mend all of the brokenness that lies within you. I know He can help you because He helped me. I forgive you and I love you….

But now it’s time for you to love you.

I doubt that you will ever read this letter of love. I further doubt that if you somehow read this letter, that you will view it as a “letter of love”….. but trust me, it is only love that drives me to type these words. I pray that you will not leave this world without knowing that there is not only a God in Heaven that loves you, but that there are also family members here in earth that love you.

It’s time to heal.
It’s time to love.

Even now, I love you…